WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

•  I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
•  Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
•  Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
•  Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
•  Are You Andy or Barney?
•  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
•  You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
•  I pay your salary!
•  Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
•  Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
•  I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
•  When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
•  Yeah, I know why you stopped ME. I was the only one you could catch.
•  You boys just don't have enough to do now that they've settled the coal strike, do you? (This one cost me $75.)
•  "Barricades? What barricades?" ($200.)
•  Of course I was speeding. Do you think I bought the bloody thing to do the speed limit on? (My English friend Nigel, just west of Hamilton, Ontario, explaining to a Canadian cop why he was doing 120k in an 80k zone.)

I have always been a huge George Carlin fan, so in admiration of him,

here's a few of his gems!

Gotta love him!!!!

Carlin Gems

•  Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
•  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
•  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
•  If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
•  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
•  I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
•  Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
•  If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
•  If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
•  If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
•  Is there another word for synonym?
•  Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
•  Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
•  What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
•  If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
•  Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
•  Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
•  If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
•  Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
•  Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
•  If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
•  Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
•  How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
•  How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
•  Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
•  What was the best thing before sliced bread?
•  One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
•  To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
•  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
•  The older you get, the better you realize you were.
•  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
•  Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
•  Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
•  Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
•  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
•  Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
•  Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
•  Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
•  If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
•  If God dropped acid, would he see people?
•  If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
•  If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
•  If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
•  If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
•  If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?