

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
- Are You Andy or Barney?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- I pay your salary!
- Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
- When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer
your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
- Yeah, I know why you stopped ME. I was the only one you could catch.
- You boys just don't have enough to do now that they've settled the
coal strike, do you? (This one cost me $75.)
- "Barricades? What barricades?" ($200.)
- Of course I was speeding. Do you think I bought the bloody thing to do
the speed limit on? (My English friend Nigel, just west of Hamilton,
Ontario, explaining to a Canadian cop why he was doing 120k in an 80k zone.)
I have always been a huge George Carlin fan, so in admiration
of him,
here's a few of his gems!
Gotta love him!!!!
Carlin Gems
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say
it.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- The older you get, the better you realize you were.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
- Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
